I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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