i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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