the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
