you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
