he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
