she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
