last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
