life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
