So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
