not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize