I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
