The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
