Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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