my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
