Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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