you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize