i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
