I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
