Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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