I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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