the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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