C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
