so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
