Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
