never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
