I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
