you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
