mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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