I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
