Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
