it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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