ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
