Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
