By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
50% drunk capacity currently
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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