the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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