My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
