The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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