Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why do cheetos always look like penises
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
