So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
