I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
