Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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