Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
