Your face is a jimmy john
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
