Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
