i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
