By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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