I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
