Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
