i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
