Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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