I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
