Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize