the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize