she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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