I need help removing her.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
