I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
