im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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