well I can't set my house on fire every night
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
